break out your butt-inspection gloves...

...cause we're making chicken.

which came first: the chicken or the egg? i don't know or care on a literal or metaphorical level, but today i'm going to teach you how to cook both!

step 1: don't be a vegetarian. if you are, the rest of this process is going to be a big bummer for you.

gather your supplies. for this recipe, you will need:

• chicken breast
• earth balance vegan buttery spread
• olive oil
• salt
• vinegar
• water
• eggs
• bean threads
• a medium size sautee pan with lid
• a small pot with lid
• soup add-ins (i used avocado, dried cilantro, cucumber, sriracha, oyster sauce, jalapeño)
• butt-inspection gloves
• protective eyewear
• smellguard of some sort (i used a bandana)
• soap and REALLY HOT WATER for cleanup

set your burner to a high temperature. don't be scared. set the dry pan on the heat and let it get real hot. in the meantime, slap on yer butt-inspection gloves.



get your chicken out of the fridge. ideally it would have been sitting out for a while to get less chilled, but if your house is the same temperature as your fridge, feel free to skip that step.



open the package of chicken being VERY VERY CAREFUL NOT TO GET ANY ON YOU. raw chicken is basically poison and will kill you immediately upon contact. (it's science)



is your pan super hot? great. let's lube it up!



add a dollop of vegan buttery spread and a drizzle of olive oil. don't be shy, now.



add chicken to pan, again being VERY VERY CAREFUL not to come into contact with the chicken OR the splashback from the oil in the pan. this is so dangerous.

let the chicken cook for 1 minute, uncovered and undisturbed. after 1 minute, flip that shit over and let it cook another minute. then cover it, set the heat to low and let it cook for 10 minutes. do not lift the lid if you get curious.



now WASH YOUR HANDS WASH YOUR HANDS WASH YOUR HANDS OMG OMG OMG GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS ok you're fine now.



phew, the hard part is over. it's pretty much cake from here. so while your chicken is cooking, fill a smallish pot about halfway with water and add some vinegar and salt to the water.



poke holes in your eggs and add them to the water, then cover the pan. burner should be set to high. once the water comes to a rapid boil, remove the pan (still covered) from the heat and let sit for 10 minutes.



pour boiling water over your bean threads, cover, and let sit while you chop up your extras for the soup.



slice up a cucumber. slice a jalapeño in half and remove the seeds, then slice. open your avocado, karate chop the pit with your knife and throw it away, then peel it like an orange. try not to eat the entire avocado during the preparation process even though it is very tempting.

hey, it's been 10 minutes! remove the chicken from the heat and let it sit for another 10 minutes. your eggs have probably been sitting for about 10 minutes by now, too, so put them in a nice lil ice bath and start making your own dinner.



you're having a salad because you aren't a barbarian.

ok great. now your chicken is done, your eggs are peeled and rinsed (you DID peel and rinse your eggs, didn't you?): it's time for assembly.



drain noodles and add to bowl.



throw all that other stuff in there...



do not go easy on the sriracha...

see how pretty the egg is? none of that weird grey/green ring. that's because you removed the eggies from the heat after the water started boiling. you smart girl, you.





chan chan!!!!!!!! all done. hot damn you did a good job. now clean up the kitchen since you used practically every kitchen tool/pot/pan/etc that you own.