i'm too late for work to be blogging

let me just start off by saying:



in the words of brad delp and the gang, it's been a long time. i used to love boston when i was in high school. if we're honest with each other, i think ... well, sometimes i think ... i still do kind of love boston. but only when i'm by myself and jeremy can't judge me for it. jeremy and his exquisitely hip taste. anyway! i'm running really late and i totally shouldn't be blogging.

here's a boy and a kitty!



alfred likes to sleep on jeremy's head, make biscuits on his face and just sort of bother him in general in the night times. jeremy finds this adorable, so i guess everybody wins. sometimes alfred tries that shit with my pillow at 2am and i just start swatting and alfred runs off all like omg omg omg but then slinks back about 2 minutes later, this time remembering which head is the cuddly one and which is the hostile one. in alfred's defense, i really can't blame him for wanting to cuddle with jeremy's head. jeremy is like a soft and furry space heater. it's really remarkable. i almost don't need a heated blanket as long as he's under the covers emitting his suspicious warmth (radioactive husband?). almost.

here's breakfast:



that would be creamy buckwheat cereal. the bag says that buckwheat isn't wheat at all, but rather it is a fruit! fascinating!



so there is my bowl of breakfast with creamy buckwheat cereal on one side and coconut vanilla trader joe's yogurt on the other. it looks remarkably like what i imagine a bowl of sperm would look like. i mean based on what i have heard about what sperm looks like from various deviant tv characters that accidentally said something about sperm before i had time to quickly change the channel and never think about sperm again. sperm. now it doesn't even look like a real word anymore. gah i wish i had finished eating that yogurt before writing this. unfortunately i don't have the luxury of not multi-tasking. ANYWAYS

here is lunch:



i know what you're thinking. you're judging me. omg missy, how can you eat a cardboard box filled with vaguely food-shaped processed chemical crap?? well, it's because i asked myself a question at the grocery store yesterday. i said missy, remember that one time when you lost all that weight? and then i was like yeah, wait, no, which time was that? (because i gain and lose weight pretty much on the regular)and then i was like, you know, that time back home when you were taking those amphetamines. and then i remembered and i was like yeah, i remember that. i think i had about 6 mini heart-attacks on that stuff. and lost 30 pounds in like a month! that was awesome, let's totally do that again! and then i was like wait, but you almost died and also you gained back all the weight when you stopped taking it. and i was like, you know what, me? that's a good point. let's don't do that again. (plus it would be really embarrassing to go to my doctor and be like heyyyy it's missy the hypersensitive hypochondriac again, can i have some amphetamines pls?). so anyway, i'm digressing (and also holy effing ish i am so late!) so then i was like well, what if you could re-create that weight loss but without amphetamines? and i was like that would be good but how? and then i thought back to what i used to eat in those days. every morning i had a slimfast and then for lunch i had a lean cuisine and some carrots and hummus or like an apple or something and then for dinner i normally had more slim fast. the thing about slim fast is that it takes something away from you. something very important and something i am not willing to go without. it takes away ... your ability to poop like a human. no joke? i pooped out like 4 little rabbit poop pellets every two days back then. yes. the quality of my life suffered. i mean i was thin, but at what cost?!?!

so anyway, i'm trying to re-create my amphetamine-driven weight loss by following that style of eating again. it was very structured so i didn't have opportunities to be like HEY I KNOW WHAT WOULD BE GOOD LET'S ADD SOME MOTHAFUCKIN CHEESE! i need rules and structure and stuff. i need a military boot camp diet. is that a thing? that should be a thing. i'd google it but I AM SO LATE NOW IT IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS. i have to finish my sperm yogurt now and go get ready for work in a frenzy. GOOD DAY TO YOU ALL.

the story of frankenhonda, or how is a 1996 honda civic like steve buscemi in an adam sandler movie.

i'd like to tell you a story.

once upon a time, there was a young lady. her car's driver-side headlight went out and her husband replaced it for her, because he was a good and talented husband. however, the newly replaced headlight died after just a day, and the young lady's husband suspected that dark forces were at work. the young lady imposed upon the husband of an acquaintance who replaced a sensor. the headlight still didn't work. now, many moons passed, and many of the underlings at the young lady's office took great pleasure in reminding her that she had a headlight out, because it made them feel powerful to know that the young lady's car was a great piece of shit.

the young lady is digressing.

so anyway, eventually the young lady's driver-side brake light went out. [oh, how the underlings did titter and rejoice!] the husband put his foot down. he replaced the brake light and ordered a new headlamp case that very night.

and so, the new headlamp case arrived, and it was shiny and new, and it looked nothing like the other headlamp case in the young lady's vehicle, but she was not very concerned about this small matter. she just laughed it off and declared that she would be proud to drive a car that vaguely resembled steve buscemi:



the day after the new headlamp arrived, the good and caring husband was eager to begin work. he diligently removed the defective headlamp



which was full of water. here is a simple equation that it would serve us all well to remember: lightbulbs + water = bad. the husband then went to work, preparing the vehicle for its new headlamp case. he carefully removed the bumper:



and stopped to survey that which he had done. he saw that it was good, and celebrated with a very manly victory dance:



and the young lady was much aroused.

but then the husband realized that in his eagnerness, he had forgotten an integral piece to this puzzle. a new bulb!



and so off he went, into the misty swamp morning, in search of a lightbulb for the young lady's filthy, squeaky, fart-cannon-bearing ricer.

the young lady enjoyed a smoothie and a cup of coffee and dreaded the upcoming day of work.



but she remembered to count her blessings, and was grateful for her attentive and handy husband and her soon-to-be slightly-less-embarrassing-but-hey-at-least-now-i-am-less-likely-to-get-pulled-over vehicle.

and they all lived happily ever after.

it's time to play guess! that! animal part!

on sunday after work, my mother-in-law and i were going to attend misa en español for some multicultural fun times. however, the church's website ... well i don't want to say that it lied, but it did say that they had spanish mass at 4, but when i showed up at four and asked a vaguely mexican looking kid if there was spanish mass at 4 i found out that there is not, in fact, spanish mass at 4. maybe next week. so instead of spanish mass, the molo (that is shorthand for motherinlaw...i don't know if she's into being identified by name on the interwebs) and i went meat hunting.



this is games farmers market. it looks cute and quaint from the outside, right?

but inside, you find the stuff of nightmares. i'm pretty sure i can never join PITA now just for having set foot in this place!

which brings us to our entertainment for the day. your new favorite blog game show called Guess That Animal Part! are you ready? here we go. (disclaimer: i took these photos on my crappy cellphone from the past so the photo quality is pretty bad!)



did you guess 'pig ears'? then you're a winner!



if you knew that this was a value pack of turkey gizzards, then this round is belong to you!



come on folks, this one's a gimme! as in, 'gimme summa dem tasty pigs' feet!'



in case our more curious contestants wondered what the pigs' feet from last round looked like when split open! there's split pigs' feet!



if you guessed that this is a saran-wrapped package of stomachs, then you're a winner! you're also a winner because you don't have to eat those stomachs!



and finally, if you guessed that my molo is holding up the frozen face of a dead pig with the eyeballs covered up so as to not scare small children and fat vegetarians, then you win again!

here are some other great finds:



chicken paws? i'm pretty sure those aren't sold for culinary purposes. i'm pretty sure they are sold exclusively as a vital part of swamp voodoo rituals.



mmmm calf liver! isn't the liver the part that filters urine? why are we eating this?? you can't tell because of the bad quality, but there on the label under safe handling instructions it says "don't eat this!!!"



i don't even know what chitterlings are, but i'm still pretty afraid of them.



livermush? doesn't the name sort of speak for itself?



and that was the face i was making the entire time we were in the store. people stared.

xantham gum

xantham gum! what is it?

Xanthan gum is a polysaccharide, derived from the bacterial coat of Xanthomonas campestris, used as a food additive and rheology modifier,commonly used as a food thickening agent (in salad dressings, for example) and a stabilizer (in cosmetic products, for example, to prevent ingredients from separating). It is produced by the fermentation of glucose, sucrose, or lactose by the Xanthomonas campestris bacterium. After a fermentation period, the polysaccharide is precipitated from a growth medium with isopropyl alcohol, dried, and ground into a fine powder. Later, it is added to a liquid medium to form the gum.

who knows what that stuff means?! not me! anyway, xantham gum is this stuff you put in smoothies to make them nice and glorpy. it's pretty expensive, or at least seems that way to me, but as far as weird food additives go i guess it could be worse. i got a tub of like, idk, a cup and a half of the stuff for 8 bucks. i took it for a test spin in this morning's smoothie and i have to say, this smoothie seems extra professional.



that's my banana berry spinach smoothie with a troll and some mocha mint dunkin donuts coffee. it doesn't really taste that much like mocha or mint but it's not terrible. i think i will be hunting down some mintier coffee for the winter season.

last night for dinner i made cabbage and onions and cauliflower, or what i like to call, a big bowl of fart-inducing-agents.



it was pretty ok.

and now for a series of things on jeremy's head that don't belong on jeremy's head:



this is jeremy's head with underwear on it.



now we have jeremy's head with a kitty cat on it.



and the most recent addition to this collection (which started in 2009, by the way) includes jeremy's head with a lovely bow on it. he lets me do these things to him because he is kind and gentle to me. except when he's sleep-elbowing me in the eye. but that is neither here nor there. an interesting note about jeremy's head: it is so abnormally heavy that when he gets home at night, the strenuousness of having held his head up all day causes unparalleled fatigue in his neck. he has often stated "i can't sit up on the couch because my head is too heavy for my neck". this statement almost always sends me into a fit of hysterics from which i recover only after almost having wet myself.

speaking of hysterics, i was watching this press conference on the gym tv (i wore my glasses today and managed to not sweat them off my face) with president obama and the prime minister of thailand. that lady's english was really good. so anyway they both give these beautiful butt-kissing speeches about shared values like free markets and how human trafficking is definitely not ok, and democracy democracy democracy. so then it's time for questions and the thai media gets the first question and this guy stands up and he's like, so you know we have a king right? and obama is all like wellll you know, democracy is tricky, the US is the oldest one in the world and we still haven't perfected it yet. baby steps! and that same reporter guy (the one who was all like, we have a king, and he like kills people for crossing him and stuff) also asked 'so mr. president, what is your favorite thai food?' and that was when i LOL'd in the middle of planet fitness. fortunately nobody seemed to notice.

in other unrelated to anything news, i spent 80 bucks last night on a low-quality heated blanket that i could have gotten a better deal on had i purchased it online! but i just couldn't wait anymore. i just couldn't handle one more night of laying in bed under so many layers of blankets that it's difficult to roll over, and yet still freezing my cheeks off. it may be a low-quality blanket, but low quality is better than no quality, lemme tell ya. that thing is amazing! it's all soft and fleecy! and i turned it on before getting into bed, so when i actually got into the bed, IT WAS WARM!!!!!! oh technology! thank you! thank you for heated blankets.

anyway i have to go to work now, bai guyz!

saturday

it is saturday. that means i get to sleep in until 7, if i skip the gym, which i did. i am fat. i am getting fatter every second!! anyway, i skipped the gym. for breakfast, i did not enjoy the following bowl of oats, banana pieces, a splash of 2 week old almond mylk and a dollop of peanut butter:



it was pretty gross. i'm ... not sure where i went wrong with that situation.

i forgot to take a picture of my lunch, but it was steamed cauliflower with marinara sauce and cheese and an apple on the side. i enjoyed it but then my work-friend jessica came into my office and said "aqui huele funny" and then i realized that i was THAT GUY. the one who stinks up the whole building with his stinky lunch. but maybe being THAT GUY isn't quite as bad if you're THAT GUY on a saturday when only 8% of the office is there to know suffering as a direct result of you being THAT GUY anyway.

work was pretty stressful but not as stressful as usual since, again, only 8% of the office was there. on normal days, though, i'd say this picture (which i did NOT stage, btw) pretty much sums it up:



headaches n' heartburn. yep. i was just sitting at my desk and noticed that those two items were sitting next to each other just waiting to lend a helping hand and i thought it was pretty sadbutfunny.

so then on my way home from work, i decided to swing by the farmers market and buy 8 bucks worth of xantham gum. i've always wanted to try adding it to my smoothies but could never justify the cost. but if we are being honest, that 8 dollar tub of xanthum gum is probably going to last a pretty long time. so anyway, the point of this story is that when i left work, i had to poop pretty bad, but there was only one other person in the office and i didn't feel comfortable to poop in that situation, so i held it. but then i really wanted to go to the farmers market. so while i was there it wasn't that bad cause i was distracted by cool stuff like creamy buckwheat cereal (which i bought) and lemon pepper seasoning (also bought) and giant tubs of xantham gum (again, BOUGHT) so it was fine. but then when i got back to my car (after first attempting to get into SOMEONE ELSE'S CAR which happened to be green and generally shitty looking, so basically IDENTICAL to mine) i was pretty much prairie dogging in a very serious way.



no no, not that kind of prairie dogging. though it was a pretty intense and dramatic drive home. at a stop light, i took advantage of my suffering for the sake of my blog, and took this picture with my crappy cellphone from 2005:



yep, so that's what i look like when i really have to do a poop.

well then. for the rest of the day i am going to do a lot of sitting around and watching TV. jeremy and i have a pretty sacred saturday tradition of watching the league, it's always sunny, and american horror story (which is so good this season!!!!!22~~12///!~~) i might also make a grocery list and i should probably do a hefty amount of laundry, but then i was all like mehhhhh...

my poop is green.

fact: if you drink green smoothies twice a day every day for a couple days, you will do green poops.

fact: this is happening to me.

fact: it makes me laugh every time and i always feel this strange need to show someone. however, considering this post meets the eyes of mixed company, i will spare the green poop shots. for now.

here is my breakfast flanked by jeremy's study companions from last night:



this smoothie is pretty ok. it's spinach, a pear, a frozen banana, and cinnamon. i ran out of almond mylk and also didn't use ice. this is what i get for all the gloating i did about yesterday's breakfast smoothie. oh missy, you fool.

here is my lunch for today:



it features steamed cauliflower and marinara with peas and sides of a pepperjack string cheese and some leftover hurricane fruit cup fruit. i will not be consuming the troll for lunch, he just wanted in the picture and i'm too afraid of him to say no. thank goodness someone finally sent me her address so i can get this thing out of my house! though it was very weird, last night i kept hearing this raspy voice saying "i'm coming for you, katherine" over and over. i wonder what that was all about.

i will surely be back this evening with my thoughts on the last installment of the twilight saga. spoiler alert: my 'thoughts' will probably just be mostly "omg omg omg omg!"

thursday night

my job is stressing me out.



this is how i start the day. but then...



i get a little overwhelmed and end up like this. but then...



someone says one of the stupidest things i've ever heard in my entire life and they are totally serious about it and i end up like this. until finally...



two people walk into the room asking to talk to me while i'm talking to another person and someone is paging me because i have a phone call and IM-ing me because i also have two other phone calls.

i am an introvert.

i know because jeremy's personality tests that i took when he was taking some kind of psychology for shipbuilders class TOLD me so. i can't handle this much human interaction. i wasn't fabricated with the intention of saying so many words to so many people in one day.

people freak me out. they are weird and they are mean and they talk about me when i'm not around.

there is no exception to that rule.

if i'm nice, people think i'm weak.

if i am serious, people think i'm a bitch.

i'm not good at handling people on account of being terrified/repulsed by them. that lady said something nice to me, but she obviously didn't mean it. was she saying it sarcastically? manipulatively? what does she want from me? i have to make sure to be polite but distant so she doesn't think it's working. what is 'it'? i don't know, but DON'T GIVE IN TO IT, whatever it is. that chick just looked at me weird. is she texting her girlfriend about how annoying i am? why did everyone stop talking when i walked into this meeting? were they talking about how unfit i am for this job? where is that weird buzzing noise coming from? why is my face so hot? WHY IS EVERYONE LOOKING AT ME? STOP LOOKING AT ME, ALL OF YOU.

anyway the point is i am not good at people-ing all day. it's exhausting.

here's my dinner.



this smoothie wasn't mind-blowing so i'll skimp on the deets. it was yogurt, berries, banana, spinach and cinnamon with some oats on top. i'll give it a solid 'meh'. also a rootbeer. and a troll which will very soon have a new home to haunt. i mean, brighten.

the best smoothie i've ever made

no, really. people. you need to write this one down. OMG!



BEHOLD THE GLORY THAT IS TODAY'S SMOOTHIE

the most-excellent-smoothie-of-all-time smoothie recipe

• fistfuls of spinach
• 1/2 cup almond mylk (or a little more)
• 1 frozen banana
• 1 pear
• trader joe's pumpkin pie spice (1 T or more or less or whatever you're into)
• 5 or 6 ice cubes

like i said, this smoothie is delish.



and then i added oats! and then it was even more amazing!

here is my lunch. i took this picture while everything was in the refrigerator. how exciting!



i made sure to zoom in real close so that you can't see the horrifying sanitation infraction that is my refrigerator. i am the world's worst housewife. my pantry even awarded me a 'worst housewife ever' trophy one time.



i was so honored.



here is another picture that i took this morning. it's a photographic study of what most scientists have come to refer to as 'being effing adorable'.

let's get serious for a minute. something important is happening this weekend. something that has been years in the making. something that has been anticipated all over the globe, and which will change all of our lives forever.

the last installment of the twilight saga is coming to a theatre near you.

ok so you've read it. but have you comprehended it?

twilight.

the last one.

THE ONE WITH ALL THE COOL VAMPIRE DOODS WITH ALL THE COOL VAMPIRE DOODS POWERS DOING COOL VAMPIRE DOOD POWER BATTLES!!!!!!!!!

everybody say omg!


omg!!


omg!!!


OMG!!!


OM- wait, this guy doesn't care. he's mellowing out. but anyway



OMG!!!!!!!!!

in case you're wondering: no, i am not being sarcastic. i am going to pay money to go see this movie and i am going to both love and hate it so much at the same time. oh the feelings i will feel!

let me leave you with this:



ahaha! squeee!

"please don't send me the ugly troll. i would never forgive you."

...taken from correspondence i received tonight from one of the people i love most in this universe. i guess there are just times when people don't see eye to eye on things like hideous and possibly undoubtedly cursed norse trolls. that freaky little demon doll is actually starting to grow on me.

though if somebody has changed her mind and decided she wants it, please send me your address.

anyway i have a lot of meals to post.



this was tuesday night's dinner. i had a banana mango smoothie and jeremy had brown rice and japanese vegetables and potstickers with a ribeye steak. [gross]



for breakfast this morning, i enjoyed a lovely green smoothie which was pretty much the same as the other ones i've made lately only i threw some oats into this one.



for lunch, i packed brown rice, japanese vegetables, an apple and a pear. i ended up eating the pear with dinner instead of with lunch. in case you were wondering, i've done a HORRIBLE job of staying hydrated. that day when i wanted to drink 3 nalgenes of water? remember? i barely made it through 1. today i almost made it through 2 but then i switched to a diet rootbeer when i got home because that's a new thing i'm doing. i drink a diet rootbeer at night time so i can feel special. because it's in a bottle. or something.



here's dinner. this was an exquisite smoothie.

exquisite smoothie recipe

• 1 frozen banana
• some frozen mango chunks
• almond mylk
• fistfuls of spinach
• cinnamon!!!

i'm telling you, this was a great smoothie. you should definitely make it. but only if you have a blendtec or a vitamix because it would probably not do anything in a lesser blending machine. all that frozen stuff and not much liquid.



here is a picture of me in my house uniform. it's layers and layers of fleece and a fleece lined snowboarding hat. (wool socks not pictured). it's cold in my house y'all. see how one of my glasses lenses is all foggy? yeah that would be FROM MY BREATH. but i'll be dang'd if i'm turning on the heat.

jeremy and i are going to see jeff mangum in february in charlottesville. it's going to be pretty awesome.



here is a picture that i found of jeff mangum. i always thought he would be uglier.



speaking of attractive people, here's a picture of jeremy. he is doing no shave november but not because of prostate cancer awareness. he's just doing it because he thinks his face would look better with beard hiding more of it. i think that is hogwash.



see what i mean? that's a good looking face. hair or no hair. wait, you've been looking too long. eyes off! skanks.

but anyway, what does everyone else think? should jeremy continue not shaving far into the winter and grow a mountain man beard? or should he shave down to a baby's bottom smoothness? cast your vote now!