halloween and a spooky fad diet

happy halloween everyone! i'm going to keep it really real here and say that halloween might just be my favorite holiday. i know that's against the rules and stuff but so help me! there's just something about dressing up and pretending to be something/someone else for a couple hours that sends a thrill right through this flabby saggy bag of guts that i call a body.


anyway, today i begin my foray into the world of the twisted, the weird, the just-plain-wrong...today is day #1 of my fad diet!


(offstage scream)


that's right! i am doing the 7-day General Motors Diet/Cleanse. general motors? yeah. so a long, long time ago, the big-wigs up at GM were sitting around all like, 'i say, our employees are rather disgusting, hey what?" and then the other guy was all like, 'rather, first of all they are poor and then even worse, they are fat!' and then the first guy was like, 'well we could pay them more i suppose' and then they both burst into laughter and the second guy was like, 'good one! but no, i really hate looking at all those fatties on the assembly line. let's develop a diet and say that it ehhh .... errr .... 'cleanses' the system. we'll say it's good for you!! and we'll make all our employees follow it. a little starvation will have them presentable in no time!' and then all the other partners thought it was genius and wrote that shit up. (to learn the actual facts re: the GM diet, please follow this link: psych! you have google. look it up for yourself. lazy.)i will throw out one spoiler though: the makers of the GM diet claim that you can lose 10-17 pounds in 7 days. is that because you tend to lose weight really fast when you're dying of malnutrition? perhaps. does my dysmorphic ass care about that part? HELL NO, a little near death experience is totally worth it for 10-17 pounds. will it mostly be water weight? probably but SHUT UP AND STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING DOWNER.


day 1 day one is for cleansing. you eat fruit. fruit. more fruit. and then later you have the option of going a little crazy and having some fruit. no bananas though. and they recommend that you start the day off with a metric shit ton of cantaloupe and/or watermelon. i couldn't find any watermelon, so, metric shit ton of cantaloupe it is!




you are also supposed to drink like 3 or 4 nalgene bottles of water every day, and they have this 'magic soup' recipe, and you can eat this 'magic soup' any time you want.


MAGIC SOUP RECIPE

• 6 onions
• 2 green bell peppers
• 1 bunch celery
• 1 cabbage
• 3 large tomatoes
• 22 ounces water
• herbs as desired for flavor (i used basil and rosemary and garlic)

so you chop everything up and you better have a huge freaking dutch oven in your kitchen because this recipe yields a kiddy pool full of soup. anyway, put 'several dots' of olive oil (that's what the recipe says, i swear) into the pot and then add the onions and peppers. saute until brown. add your herbs. then add the celery, tomatoes and cabbage and water. let it cook for about an hour.

while it's true that you can futz with this recipe a little - change the herbs, add different vegetables, etc - there is one part of this diet that is absolutely, positively, not negotiable. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU IGNORE THIS RULE.



if you choose to follow the GM cleanse, YOU MUST PURCHASE BEANO. i feel like i shouldn't have to explain this rule, what with the fact that you have just seen the ingredient list for that magic soup. but i will anyway. you have to take beano while on this diet because FARTS. that is why.


so that is day one! i'll be back to share my triumphs and tribulations through day 1 of the idiotic gm fad diet from hell. (i'm actually pretty stoked about today though. all fruit all the time! yum!)