very cute, everyone.
i bet the family of all the victims thus far will use that in their hilarious and spooky eulogies. anyway, i normally work 11-7, but today all the morning shift people in my department called out with a raging case of 'there's a fucking hurricane and i am not going to work in it because i actually have a couple ounces of common sense.' i hadn't been expecting to leave in time for the early shift, and needless to say, i was unprepared. so instead of the healthful green smoothie concoction i had planned on glorping down for breakfast, i wolfed down a slice of this absolutely-not-even-close-to-good-for-you-in-any-way persimmon bread (read: cake) that my mother in law crafted from the depths of what i can only imagine to be an evil, calorie-laden but oh-so-delectable frenzy. it was wonderful and amazing but i suspect that it contained butter because i almost immediately had heartburn.
that is breakfast right there. and a proud little army of batteries because, again, HURRICANE.
in the remaining moments of my morning time holy-crap-i'm-about-to-drive-to-work-in-the-dark-in-a-hurricane-in-a-truck-with-an-enormous-camper-cover-specifically-designed-to-make-your-transportation-situation-extra-deadly-spree, i threw some items into my handy dandy lunchbag (because even while anticipating a stomach-churning trip into the stormy abyss of newport news, i still had time to think about lunch).
spaghetti squash. you've probably heard of it by now and it's not that exciting to you because you have the internet and you have lost that sense of child-like wonder that all the poets write about. whatever. i am nonplussed by your apathy. because to me,
IT IS A MIRACLE.
seriously. here's how it goes down. you crack the sucker open like a cartoon character with a machete and a coconut, vaguely hoping that you don't take off a finger but not too concerned about it because SPAGHETTI SQUASH! oh, and here's where most people fuck it up. you don't go down the street, you have to go across the road! (this rule might be why people get that other thing confused). anyway, you cut across the equator instead of length-wise. DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW. ok great. so then you put both halves on a plate, cut-side-down. then you take a moment to yourself and laugh because it looks like boobies and that is funny and if you don't think it's funny it's because you've lost that child-like sense of wonder that we talked about earlier, and WHAT HAPPENED IN YOUR LIFE TO MAKE YOU THIS WAY? you need to spend some time reflecting. so anyway, then you wrap up the whole thing with saran wrap because you don't care about the environment and then you microwave it for 10 minutes because you don't care about the cancer-causing death rays that make your food warm. so then you take it out of the microwave screaming and cursing because you knew it would be all steamy and hot but you couldn't make yourself wait a second longer than those already interminable 10 minutes because
SPAGHETTI SQUASH!!!
then you burn yourself even more peeling off that saran wrap and it gets way worse when you charge onward and just grab those boobie-shaped gourds and turn them cut-side-up to behold the goodness that lies within. here's where the miracle happens. you take a fork and scrape from top to bottom, perpendicular to the grain (perpendicular is a math word that i like to sprinkle into conversations sometimes so people will think i am smart. hah! suckers) and then all of the sudden THERE IS SPAGHETTI. i'm not kidding, that is exactly how it works. i don't know how atheists explain spaghetti squash, because i only see one explanation and that is a high power. a benevolent one. wait is this where that flying spaghetti monster thing came from?
so anyway my lunch was magic squash with peas and marinara sauce.
i also packed an apple and some yogurt because i am a fat person.
so anyway those were my eats so far. i had a cup of the most depression-inducing coffee when i got to the office because it always smells so enticing and even though i know better, i still go for it because i am weak. it doesn't taste like it smells. after 3 years, you'd think i would get wise to that.
don't those 12-step programs define insanity as repeating the same behavior and expecting different results?
well this has been a pretty long foray into the bowels of my cluttered mind, and all we covered was the stuff i put in my guts today. i think i'll wrap it up with a hilarious photo of a poster hanging on the wall in my office. it's a food label that was reviewed and revised by our proud regulatory specialists.
who wants some cock flavored soup?!
no one?
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