halloween and a spooky fad diet

happy halloween everyone! i'm going to keep it really real here and say that halloween might just be my favorite holiday. i know that's against the rules and stuff but so help me! there's just something about dressing up and pretending to be something/someone else for a couple hours that sends a thrill right through this flabby saggy bag of guts that i call a body.


anyway, today i begin my foray into the world of the twisted, the weird, the just-plain-wrong...today is day #1 of my fad diet!


(offstage scream)


that's right! i am doing the 7-day General Motors Diet/Cleanse. general motors? yeah. so a long, long time ago, the big-wigs up at GM were sitting around all like, 'i say, our employees are rather disgusting, hey what?" and then the other guy was all like, 'rather, first of all they are poor and then even worse, they are fat!' and then the first guy was like, 'well we could pay them more i suppose' and then they both burst into laughter and the second guy was like, 'good one! but no, i really hate looking at all those fatties on the assembly line. let's develop a diet and say that it ehhh .... errr .... 'cleanses' the system. we'll say it's good for you!! and we'll make all our employees follow it. a little starvation will have them presentable in no time!' and then all the other partners thought it was genius and wrote that shit up. (to learn the actual facts re: the GM diet, please follow this link: psych! you have google. look it up for yourself. lazy.)i will throw out one spoiler though: the makers of the GM diet claim that you can lose 10-17 pounds in 7 days. is that because you tend to lose weight really fast when you're dying of malnutrition? perhaps. does my dysmorphic ass care about that part? HELL NO, a little near death experience is totally worth it for 10-17 pounds. will it mostly be water weight? probably but SHUT UP AND STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING DOWNER.


day 1 day one is for cleansing. you eat fruit. fruit. more fruit. and then later you have the option of going a little crazy and having some fruit. no bananas though. and they recommend that you start the day off with a metric shit ton of cantaloupe and/or watermelon. i couldn't find any watermelon, so, metric shit ton of cantaloupe it is!




you are also supposed to drink like 3 or 4 nalgene bottles of water every day, and they have this 'magic soup' recipe, and you can eat this 'magic soup' any time you want.


MAGIC SOUP RECIPE

• 6 onions
• 2 green bell peppers
• 1 bunch celery
• 1 cabbage
• 3 large tomatoes
• 22 ounces water
• herbs as desired for flavor (i used basil and rosemary and garlic)

so you chop everything up and you better have a huge freaking dutch oven in your kitchen because this recipe yields a kiddy pool full of soup. anyway, put 'several dots' of olive oil (that's what the recipe says, i swear) into the pot and then add the onions and peppers. saute until brown. add your herbs. then add the celery, tomatoes and cabbage and water. let it cook for about an hour.

while it's true that you can futz with this recipe a little - change the herbs, add different vegetables, etc - there is one part of this diet that is absolutely, positively, not negotiable. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU IGNORE THIS RULE.



if you choose to follow the GM cleanse, YOU MUST PURCHASE BEANO. i feel like i shouldn't have to explain this rule, what with the fact that you have just seen the ingredient list for that magic soup. but i will anyway. you have to take beano while on this diet because FARTS. that is why.


so that is day one! i'll be back to share my triumphs and tribulations through day 1 of the idiotic gm fad diet from hell. (i'm actually pretty stoked about today though. all fruit all the time! yum!)

GLORP

so i had planned on photographing some of my signature morning time glorp yesterday but didn't have time, in the wake of what can only be described as an almost harrowing, nearly fateful, sort of adverse weather situation. yeah, the hurricane turned out to be kind of a bust. a hurricain't*, if you will.


today was a different story.


i had nothing BUT time!


BEHOLD!!!





here it is, in all its weird, slimey glory.


I know what you're thinking. "missy, that looks so completely amazing! i must have it for my very own! i wish i could concoct a Tervis Tumbler full of that freaky-looking swamp-funk mess in my very own kitchen!" well, this post is for you. you weirdo.


GLORP RECIPE
Ingredients

• a couple greedy handfuls of baby spinach (or kale if you're a total healthfreak badass)
• 1 c liquid. i use almond mylk but you could use pretty much whatever wet stuff you want. coconut water, greek yogurt, fruit juice, I SAID WHATEVER YOU WANT, JUST PICK SOMETHING ALREADY!!!
• fruits. today i used a banana and a persimmon because i knew i would be broadcasting my breakfast and i figured everyone would think i was totally awesome for 1) having a persimmon 2) using that persimmon in food preparation. was i wrong? yeah i didn't think so. on a serious note, persimmons are freaking delicious. they are so sweet y'all! my banana was a little underripe, and this smoothie probably would have been kind of a bummer as a result, but the persimmon totally saved it. and for that, we thank you.
• ice. apparently some people don't like cold smoothies, and they are weird. but i like 'em extra cold, so i normally throw in 6 or 8 cubes. you might be concerned about throwing 8 cubes of ice into your blender. won't it just get stuck and make an angry, accusatory grinding noise and then you end up throwing all your ingredients down the sink and driving to a fast food joint for a chicken biscuit? well maybe. but only if you do not have a BlendTec blender. fortunately for me, i do have one, so i laugh in the face of 6 or 8 ice cubes.
• last ingredient: whatever the hell you want. yeah. this recipe is not for people who can't make decisions, because basically it's not a recipe. it's just a list of completely random shit that gets tossed unceremoniously into a BlendTec and sucked down in a whirlwind of brainfreeze and fantasies of not looking like an overstuffed sausage casing at some point in the somewhat-near future. anyway, the point is, you can add whatever you want. chia seeds, (probably mix those in after you blend or your blender will get all schmeared with chia seed shrapnel), vanilla extract, oats, sprinkles, cocoa powder, you could sprinkle granola on top, or a dollop of whipped cream, or you could blend up some glow sticks or cell phones or puppy dogs in your BlendTec (because it will literally.blend.anything) and throw that on top, because THE LAST INGREDIENT IS WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT.

Directions

Ok, so while it's true that you can put pretty much whatever you want INTO your glorp, there is a sort of procedure you want to follow to optimize your consistency and whatnot. first, add your liquid (1 cup, remember?) then the spinach, and then work your way through the ingredients so that the most easily blended stuff is on the bottom and the most difficult stuff to blend is on the top.

Ah, the glorpy goodness. I EAT VEGETABLES FOR BREAKFAST, PEOPLE. one of the several and substantial reasons that i am better than you. ok, we all know i don't really think i'm better than anyone. but either way, VEGETABLES.

now, on to lunch time. i packed up some more magical squash goodness but this time with peas, goat cheese, grape tomatoes and some red chili pepper flakes because i like to feel the burn!

you may have noticed that there seems to be a somewhat unruly selection of fresh produce in my kitchen today. you may be asking yourself, "self, why do you think missy has an entire tomato vineyard on her counter top?" (is a tomato vineyard a thing? it sounds right). well, you'll just have to stay tuned until next time, when i reveal the pretty effing retarded thing i'm going to do and blog about starting tomorrow.


I DO THESE THINGS FOR YOU!!!



*("hurricain't" is intellectual property of Jeremy Edward Hancock and should not be used in conversation or otherwise without written and notarized legal consent)

reduced-sodium cock flavor. you'll see. just keep reading.

so it's monday and there's this epic hurricane/noreaster blowing through town that people are referring to as 'frankenstorm,' i guess because it's all made up of different kinds of stormness and it's all close to halloween or whatever.


very cute, everyone.


i bet the family of all the victims thus far will use that in their hilarious and spooky eulogies. anyway, i normally work 11-7, but today all the morning shift people in my department called out with a raging case of 'there's a fucking hurricane and i am not going to work in it because i actually have a couple ounces of common sense.' i hadn't been expecting to leave in time for the early shift, and needless to say, i was unprepared. so instead of the healthful green smoothie concoction i had planned on glorping down for breakfast, i wolfed down a slice of this absolutely-not-even-close-to-good-for-you-in-any-way persimmon bread (read: cake) that my mother in law crafted from the depths of what i can only imagine to be an evil, calorie-laden but oh-so-delectable frenzy. it was wonderful and amazing but i suspect that it contained butter because i almost immediately had heartburn.





that is breakfast right there. and a proud little army of batteries because, again, HURRICANE.

in the remaining moments of my morning time holy-crap-i'm-about-to-drive-to-work-in-the-dark-in-a-hurricane-in-a-truck-with-an-enormous-camper-cover-specifically-designed-to-make-your-transportation-situation-extra-deadly-spree, i threw some items into my handy dandy lunchbag (because even while anticipating a stomach-churning trip into the stormy abyss of newport news, i still had time to think about lunch).


spaghetti squash. you've probably heard of it by now and it's not that exciting to you because you have the internet and you have lost that sense of child-like wonder that all the poets write about. whatever. i am nonplussed by your apathy. because to me,

IT IS A MIRACLE.

seriously. here's how it goes down. you crack the sucker open like a cartoon character with a machete and a coconut, vaguely hoping that you don't take off a finger but not too concerned about it because SPAGHETTI SQUASH! oh, and here's where most people fuck it up. you don't go down the street, you have to go across the road! (this rule might be why people get that other thing confused). anyway, you cut across the equator instead of length-wise. DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW. ok great. so then you put both halves on a plate, cut-side-down. then you take a moment to yourself and laugh because it looks like boobies and that is funny and if you don't think it's funny it's because you've lost that child-like sense of wonder that we talked about earlier, and WHAT HAPPENED IN YOUR LIFE TO MAKE YOU THIS WAY? you need to spend some time reflecting. so anyway, then you wrap up the whole thing with saran wrap because you don't care about the environment and then you microwave it for 10 minutes because you don't care about the cancer-causing death rays that make your food warm. so then you take it out of the microwave screaming and cursing because you knew it would be all steamy and hot but you couldn't make yourself wait a second longer than those already interminable 10 minutes because


SPAGHETTI SQUASH!!!


then you burn yourself even more peeling off that saran wrap and it gets way worse when you charge onward and just grab those boobie-shaped gourds and turn them cut-side-up to behold the goodness that lies within. here's where the miracle happens. you take a fork and scrape from top to bottom, perpendicular to the grain (perpendicular is a math word that i like to sprinkle into conversations sometimes so people will think i am smart. hah! suckers) and then all of the sudden THERE IS SPAGHETTI. i'm not kidding, that is exactly how it works. i don't know how atheists explain spaghetti squash, because i only see one explanation and that is a high power. a benevolent one. wait is this where that flying spaghetti monster thing came from?

so anyway my lunch was magic squash with peas and marinara sauce.

i also packed an apple and some yogurt because i am a fat person.


so anyway those were my eats so far. i had a cup of the most depression-inducing coffee when i got to the office because it always smells so enticing and even though i know better, i still go for it because i am weak. it doesn't taste like it smells. after 3 years, you'd think i would get wise to that.

don't those 12-step programs define insanity as repeating the same behavior and expecting different results?

well this has been a pretty long foray into the bowels of my cluttered mind, and all we covered was the stuff i put in my guts today. i think i'll wrap it up with a hilarious photo of a poster hanging on the wall in my office. it's a food label that was reviewed and revised by our proud regulatory specialists.

who wants some cock flavored soup?!

no one?

Highschool Korean Melodrama: We Can't Get Enough.

a hurricane is coming.

an historic (yes, an historic) weather event.

preparations must be made!! supplies must be procured!! we live on the coast. we live on a peninsula! that is just one side away from being an island! we are doomed. DOOMED!

instead of preparing, taping up the windows, assembling an army of flashlights and bottled water, the hancocks take advantage of the mildness of the pre-hurricane to:

1) drive around

2) go in to work for 4 hours, alone, 12 miles from home with no supplies other than a tiny pink swiss army knife and previously stifled teenage-style defiance

3) watch a korean tv show called "shut up and let's go" about high school badboys in a pop-grunge band. they style their hair a lot and wear the latest fashion and get in tons of fights where they have perfect moments to swish their beautifully sculpted hair around while impressing the living shit out of their lady admirers that they can't actually be with because their dead friend fell in love with her first. before he tragically died after getting beaten with a baseball bat by a rival band that plays light jazz/elevator muzak and has rights to the school music practice room. oh and so then as he's staggering across the street away from his attackers and toward his friends that could have saved him if they had just. answered.that.phone.call. instead of talking to the cute girl, he gets hit by a bus, and then you think it's a dream, but

OMG Y'ALL

he really died.

i know it sounds bad. but it's pretty good.


but then my boss texted me and made me feel guilty for not going in to work today and then while i was gone a certain someone [JEREMY EFFING HANCOCK] watched like 4 STRAIGHT HOURS of it without me and then i got lost and had to abandon 배. oh, that is korean for ship. yeah i am pretty much fluent now.

first day of the rest of my life

"wow, that missy. she really has her shit together. she just really seems like she's in control of any situation. i wish i could be more like her," SAID NO ONE, EVER.


so tonight as my belovèd spouse and i took a walk in pre-hurricane rain, i confided in him about how i feel like i might be addicted to eating food and need some kind of 12-step program in my life.

i can confide in him like that because he is kind and tender and not judgmental. well, not where other people are involved. he's actually pretty judgmental where other people are involved, but for some strange reason, i get a pass.

this is a wonderful freedom, to be able to tell someone your deepest, darkest, most vile secrets and know that they will still love you anyway.

he suggested that i start a blog. he said that maybe if i tell the entire free world (because like probably china and north korea can't read my blog i guess?) what i eat every day, then maybe i'll be less likely to let the munchies get the best of me.

also, the world just really needs another amateur writer who takes pictures of all her food. ok not so much with that part.

so here's to hoping that this blog will make me think twice before standing over the sink cramming slices of frozen phyllo dough into my face because of the way someone looked at me when they made what may or may not have been a slightly less than definitely not intentionally unpleasant comment to or near me that day.

yes, i know what you are thinking, and it absolutely is glamorous to be me.


oh wait. not what you were thinking?


"missy, it sounds like you are suffering from a debilitating eating disorder that stems from years of self loathing and insecurity" is what you are actually probably thinking.


...


oh pish tosh!

so i guess you may have noticed that this is basically going to be a cesspool of my most shameful and embarrassing thoughts. oooh am i a confessional poet now? i guess i would have to write a poem first.

wait, what if i claim that this whole thing up to now was a poem? it's just really ummmm, post-modern. yeah. you wouldn't understand. man.

is it ok that i almost sort of vaguely want the hurricane to make a tree fall on me?